ANiS HaDi

I’ve been receiving mails from this guy Christian Carter giving me love advise..Since its free and i can actually get knowledge from it, never blocked it out from my mails..And I find this mail, particularly interesting..It doesnt actually mean when our relationship is going smoothly, we shudnt hear love advise but its good in case some of our friends go thru this kind of situation and we know the proper advise we could give her..So, indulge guys..

Dear Anis,

I’ve got a fascinating story for you. Tell me if it sounds familiar..

You’re hanging out talking with some friends, when all of a sudden the conversation turns to a common topic - love and relationships. And each woman at the table starts talking about the situation she’s in and all the amazing things about it. At first you’re enjoying the stories and you’re happy for your friends. But then it hits you…

You are the only person there who ISN’T in an ongoing positive relationship. Everyone else at the table has someone in their life who they’re excited and optimistic about. Everyone else has something "real". Everyone except you. You’re ALONE… and that guy who you "date", without the relationship going anywhere, well – he doesn’t cut it.

So you stop for a second and think, "Maybe it’s me…". "Maybe it’s not all because of the way men are, but how I am. That explains why I don’t have real love in my life." As you think about this for a second, you can’t help but feel a little lonely all of a sudden, and a small twinge of sadness wells up inside. But as these feelings start to grow, you know inside that you deserve better, and you wish the feeling would just go away. But it doesn’t… and the last thing you want to do is "go there" in front of your friends. Especially since they just got through telling all of their great stories. You don’t want them to know how you really feel right now… and you wish this feeling and problem would just go away.

You think to yourself: "Why does love and a relationship with a man have to be so difficult?", "If only men weren’t so difficult to be with." But then your "protective" side kicks in, and you start fighting these feelings and tell yourself:

"I don’t need a man.", "I’m happy with my life as it is.", "I’m happy to be single and focus on myself right now, instead of wasting my time and energy in a dead-end situation with a man.", "Men are all screwed up and trouble anyways, and I don’t need that in my life right now." Ahhhh… it starts to work and you calm down and regain your "cool". But somewhere deep down inside, you know why you felt sad - Seeing all your friends happy in their love lives reminded you of something…

For all the reasons you have to be happy, and all the ways you can convince other people (and yourself) that you’re fulfilled, you REALLY DO want something much, much better. You want a REAL CONNECTION. You want to share REAL LOVE and BE LOVED. And you wonder how long you can avoid the reality that these things are MISSING from your life by staying busy and taking care of other areas of life. You know you can’t go on this way forever. Something has to change. There HAS to be something better out there for you. Or else what’s it all for?

But then you remember…It’s been months, maybe even years, since you’ve actually made the time and space in your life to meet and connect with the kind of man who could bring great things back into your love life. And in fact, the idea of "dating" sounds like a complete and utter NIGHTMARE. Sitting through a date listening to some bozo, who has no idea how to really connect with you, ramble on about himself, would just make you feel even more hopeless and alone. So you’ve basically shut out of your life, the idea of dating and going out with men, for more than friendship. But then how are you supposed to meet and connect with a great guy? And how did EVERYONE ELSE around you manage to become CLOSE and COMMITTED with a good guy, while you’re having an impossible time finding a guy who isn’t totally clueless? Do they know something you don’t? Are you just UNLUCKY in love… and not meant to have a great relationship for yourself? Are they somehow more attractive than you are? Why does it have to be so difficult? And why does it have to be such a "game"?

***End of story**

Ok, I know I got a little "heavy" on you there, but it’s for your own good. This story is basically a myth… a collection of common situations, fears, beliefs, etc. that women experience. And in case you didn’t notice, a lot of what was going on here in the story had to do with a woman’s own limiting thoughts, frustrations and negative beliefs about men, dating and relationships. If you identified with a few of these thoughts, fears, etc. then I want you to recognize something…

Some women have VERY FEW of these negative and limiting thoughts. While other women have TONS. I’m talking 10, 20, 30 and 50 times a day here. And what do you think that does for a woman? Or for you?

Let’s try something new today - an exercise. Take a second and imagine something for me…

Picture in your mind a woman you know who’s either single or in a "troubled" relationship. Make sure you have a clear picture of her in your mind. Now I want you to imagine her having negative thoughts and fears like the ones we’ve been talking about here. In fact, I also want you to give her some of the fears and negative thoughts that you have. And now… concentrate on how these thoughts make her FEEL and ACT. See how they affect her emotions, her attitude and even her body language. I’ll give you a second to picture this clearly in your mind…

Ok, now imagine a situation comes up for her uncertain situation with the man in her life. Picture her emotions, her thoughts and how she communicates to the man in her life in your head. I’ll give you a second to think about this and imagine it happening in your mind.

…

…

I’ll give you another minute.

Ok, come on back.

Now, I want you answer a question for me - How did all of her negative thoughts affect how she interacted with her guy? Did they help guide her to positive and constructive communication that brought them CLOSER together? Or did it tend to make communication with him MORE DIFFICULT and create DISTANCE? I’m sure you came up with all kinds of fascinating insights and realizations, but here’s what I want you to see here…Communicating from a place of fear and insecurity with a man will more often create DISTANCE than it will bring you and a man together. Unless the guy you’re with is ALREADY an expert at communicating and dealing with these things himself, and who keeps your fears from coming between you both. If only men were experts when it came to having open, lasting relationships and communicating in ways that would bring you closer, right? Wouldn’t that be nice. Well, the truth is men are RARELY experts in these area. And sure… a man COULD come along and be such a wonderful and amazing guy that he would help make relationships and communicating easier. But if that doesn’t happen, or the great guy you do find doesn’t happen to have these natural skills and abilities (and by the way, most men don’t)…

Then guess what? It’s up to YOU.He’s not going to make it work FOR YOU.

In fact, the reality is that as you are first becoming close with a man, he’s more likely totrigger your own fears than to help resolve them. I’m not telling you about this right now just because I’m trying to teach you some "mumbo jumbo" about how thoughts, energy and intention work together…(Which they do.)

But for another simple reason - There’s something you can do right now to DRAMATICALLY improve the level of connection and intimacy you have in your love life. It all starts in one place. Paying attention to HOW YOU THINK. On a basic level, your own patterns of THINKING and FEELING lead to the ACTIONS you take and the BEHAVIOR you display. And guess what can create a "negative filter" on your THINKING and FEELINGS?

FEAR. And if you’re finding that your actions and behaviors aren’t "naturally" attracting good men and creating healthy long term relationships…then you’ve got something to look at right now - Your own thoughts and emotions, and your own fears. And, of course, you could worry about HIS ISSUES too, but let’s save working on him for later when you’re up to speed on all this for yourself.

GETTING PAST FEAR, "CONNECTING" ON A DEEP LEVEL, AND MAKING MEN ADDICTED TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP…

Ok, let’s get to some real ANSWERS here.

What do you DO when you have negative, fearful, limiting thoughts and situations going on in your mind that are affecting your love life?

Well, I’m not going to tell you that all women who are single or in "dead-end" relationships are in that place in their life JUST BECAUSE they think and feel in "fear-based" and "self-limiting" ways. But do the math. What kind of women do you think men "naturally" gravitate towards? What kind of women do you think men "instinctively" feel good when they’re around, even if they don’t know why? What kind of women do you think men understand, on a subconscious level and make great long term partners? Right again.

Women who are in CONTROL of their own fears and emotions when it comes to men, dating and relationships. Why? It’s NOT because feelings and emotions are themselves bad…Feelings and emotions are probably the most beautiful part of what makes us human and allows us to experience the world in a deep and meaningful way. But, what I’m talking about here is NEGATIVE feelings.

Because negative feelings, more often than not, lead to NEGATIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES. And women who are in CONTROL of their EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES and who have a handle on their own emotional state, know how to do something that other women can’t and will never be able to fake..They know how to consistently create more POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES with men. On one level, it really is that simple.

In practice, it’s much harder. The truth is that men are attracted to one woman and not another largely because of the way that one woman makes them FEEL. And NOT because of what logically sound qualities each person and the relationship has. ATTRACTION and CONNECTION have their own "logic".

I’ll say it again so you can really hear it this time -A man is attracted to a woman and wants to be with her, and only her, because of the way he FEELS when he’s around her. And not for any other reason. Not even if the women is the most loving, caring, sweet, generous, and intelligent woman in the world. I’m even going to "translate" this for you so you’re sure to start seeing it more clearly - Translation: The emotional experiences that a man has when he’s around a woman are the single most powerful reasons why he either wants a long term relationship, or doesn’t. And to make this even more clear, let me tell you what this DOESN’T mean…It DOESN’T mean that a man wants to be with a woman because he VALUES a relationship and having true love in his life. Or that a woman can be so good to a man and do so many loving and generous things for him that he recognizes the LOGICAL value of staying with her

and makes the "right" decision. Feelings and emotions have their own logic, which has NOTHING to do with what makes "sense" or what is "fair". And the sooner you accept this as true about men, the easier EVERYTHING in your love life and relationship will become.

CREATING A DEEP LEVEL OF "EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION" THAT WILL LEAD TO A LASTING RELATIONSHIP

So how do you make a man FEEL when he’s around you? What are the conscious and subconscious emotional reactions and responses he’s likely to be having with you, based on your emotions and your behavior? Take a minute and think about it.

…..

…..

Here’s the bottom line…

A woman who can communicate to a man on a deeper level that she’s AWARE and IN CONTROL of her own experience and "emotional" state will make a man feel INTENSE ATTRACTION for her on that same emotional level.

She’s an "emotionally attractive" woman, which can tell a man all kinds of things about her BEYOND the PHYSICAL ATTRACTION and interest he might have.

On the other hand…Women who DON’T have a handle on these things have quite a different affect on men - These women can still usually make men feel PHYSICAL ATTRACTION… but they often set off all kinds of conscious and subconscious "warning signs" in a man’s mind. Signals that then become FEELINGS and EMOTIONS inside the man that tells him to RUN. And under no circumstance commit himself and attach his emotional experience to hers. Here’s the strangest part about women who send off these "warning signals" to men…Most women do this largely ON ACCIDENT. That’s right. Lots of women actually trigger negative responses inside a man’s mind while doing things they think are FOR THE GOOD of the relationship. How’s that for COUNTERPRODUCTIVE?

And hey… I know it might bother you to hear some of what I’m saying. And that you probably  have been more caring and generous with your thoughts and emotions in your past situations with men than they were with you.

I get that. But someone needs to tell you how men really and truly think when it comes to women and relationships. And of course men have their own specialized set of "baggage" and fears too. But let me ask you…

What do you know, FROM EXPERIENCE, will happen if a man doesn’t deal with his own fears about women and relationships?

DISASTER.

I’m talking withdrawal, break-ups, cheating, lying, etc. The list goes on.

But if a guy takes the time and develops the "emotional maturity" to think about the negative and limiting fears HE HAS about women and relationships…And finds a healthy level of AWARENESS and CONTROL around these…Then this is the kind of guy that women will "naturally" be drawn to and enjoy being with. Your first step to creating a situation with a man where you BOTH feel the level of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION that will create and support a LASTING RELATIONSHIP is to accept that MEN DON’T MAKE SENSE.

Why?

Because remember, our EMOTIONS don’t follow a logical or "rational" path.

So, guys how do u find it..Interesting?!Tho its quite long the message is there..I really find mails from this guy interesting..Wud keep u updated..

Today, office was so hectic..Got in the office this morning and was already summoned to my superiors desk with all his list of task for me to do..I normally find my superior being away as such a relief coz i wouldnt be bothered with Q’s like "what are u doing rite now?", "Can you help me photostat this", "Can you prepare this", "Can you check this" etc..Its as if i’m the clerk and secretary here..I’d be helping other ppl while my work keeps piling up..And today was the worst..

I was actually lectured for not informing him on a matter which suddenly become urgent all of a sudden..And I was not the one at fault in the first place, but as usual, what I normally do is just keep quiet and curse inside, hehe..What can I do..No matter how mad I am, still, I’d have to resolve it..So just listen and take note of what I was supposed to do..Luckily I only have to pass it up by Monday so I have to finish it by this Friday..Hopefully that wouldnt be a problem..

Then again, the tonnes of work I have piling on my desk still needs clearing up before I go on leave next week..I’ve been ‘warned’ to clear up my reviews before I leave but what can I do, I’m just a normal human being with two hands and one brain..How am I suppose to cope with all of it..Just do what I can..Lantaklah, nak kena marah, marahlah..In the end, they still need the work to be done..And I’m the one who has to finish it..

Truthfully, I’m not really fond of working for the bank anymore..At first I thot working in corporate banking was so glamourous, in the sense that you get to deal with corporate customers..But i tend to overlook the fact that corporate clients are the ones that really need pampering..They want us to do everything for them, give low rates, entertain their request….Furthermore, we have to compete with other bankers for them to bank with us..Pergh, thats actually tough, given the limitations of the Bank I’m working rite now..What to do, have to catch up with the KPI..OMG, work sucks..

Plus, now I’m even doing my clerks job coz she is busily chatting with her friends online and keeps all the work we give her pending until in the end, we have to do it ourselves..Even answering the phone, if one of my colleagues are not at their place, I’d have to answer them..Its not like I’m complaining here but my work is affected coz I need to take messages and entertain all this unnecessary calls..If only she could help answer all the calls rather than wait for other ppl to answer it..But then again, what to do, in work or life u have to give and take..No matter how busy I am that day, I’d still have to answer the phone while my clerk is busily chit chatting on the MSN with her friends talking about furniture, medicine and gossiping around..Cant wait until I get another job and change into a new environment where I can learn new behaviours and attitude of ppl and how to adapt and handle them..Adios!!

Yesterday (21-05-06), there was an event at my uncle’s house..My cousin was having a ‘cukur jambul’ ceremony for her son..At the beginning, everything was going on fine..Was so happily taking pictures with my siblings, mother, cousins and most importantly the highlight of the event, the baby himself..Then, while we were eating, I heard this Q being addressed to me, which I have been dreading to hear whenever there was any ceremonies in the family..So, as always, my answer would be the sweetest smile that I can give..

Then again, when it was time to go back, the topic came up again, while ber’salam’2 with the elders..And like my previous reply, I could only answer with a smile..Only close relatives know what Q has been pressuring me all these while..Really cant do anything about it..The blame is only on my shoulders..How hard I push it, if it was never meant to be, nothing would happen..I’m accepting it now..I’m really trying my best to forgive and forget..Hope it would be a lifetime lesson for me..Should never disobey ur elders..What I can do now is go on with my life and my only prayers is that may Allah does what He feels best for me and prepare me for it coz He knows better..

Metrojaya preview sale was held yesterday..For those not interested in the word ’shopping’ mite find it very boring but for the shopping enthusiast out there, yesterday was the day they were waiting for..Metrojaya cardmembers were entitled to additional discounts on selected items..

I’m also one of those shopping enthusiast only that i’ve cut down on my spending recently..Dunno how, while I was taking a walk in the mall (yup u mite say window shopping, hehe) last thursday, noticed a few skirts that really attracted.. I asked the salesgirl there whether there were any sales coming soon and was so excited when they told me it was on the 17th, which was yesterday, hehe..

So, when yesterday came, I fully utilised my lunch time and after office hours to SHOP!!hehe..Lunch went to Metrojaya in Bukit Bintang, bought something there, hehe..And after office went to Midvalley, also brought something there..hehe..Felt so relieved as if all the stress I’ve been carrying were swept away..Impossible but true, hehe..Plus shopping is something I can hardly resist..Even if it means buying something cheap but nice..Haven’t been shopping for like 2 months, so this is kind of a reward for me since I managed to resist the shopping urge for 2 months..(Excuses!!, hehe)

What was really great was that, when u pay using RHB Creditcard, u get to do a lucky dip..So out of the 3 lucky dips, 2 was a RM20 Metrojaya Gift Voucher and the other one was a Superman poster (will just give it to my Bro)..Thats y, I felt so lucky b4 dipping in my hands into the box..A couple b4 me got a Superman T-shirt..I’d rather get the voucher that the T-shirt but then again, it all depends on luck..Wiiii!!…I was actually shaking, hehe..This was the second time I got lucky..B4 this, I won a DVD player at Carrefour..It was a memorable time for me..Maybe to some people its nothing but I dont get that lucky often..So, I’m just glad it happened to me yesterday coz it really cheered my day..Cheers!!

Am so mad rite now dunno whether i wanna cry or shout..Just came back to work after a long holiday..Remembered that we’re supposed to send paper for loans committee..So confirmed with my SRM whether we’re gonna submit any papers for it..Needed to confirm with him whether he prepared anything for it..I know, I know, probably its my duty as his credit analyst to prepare for it but what is making me so mad is that I was on course for 3 days last week and he didnt make any attempt to do it..He waited for me to do it..And whats really p**sing me off is that its his accounts anyways…Yeah, i know since we’re in a team, we have to help each other but then again, I was not in the office, cant he make the effort of preparing it instead..

One more thing is, what was also irritating me was that he didnt know how to do it as well..I was the new one here and he’s been in the bank for so long and still he doesnt know how to do it..Asked around but nobody else in my dept had done it except this other team which problem was, one was on leave while the other was always MIA as in missing in action..Luckily i could get hold of him and before i could clarify things, he went missing again..Had to confirm with another dept and thank God they were helpful enuff..

Then when I was trying to get hold of these ppl to confirm on what I had prepared, my SRM was already asking me for the thing..Then he kept asking me in his normal sarcastic way whether I was doing the correct thing..B****y H**l, how was I supposed to know..Felt like shouting at him and burst into tears..Calming myself, I explained what I had done based on what I understand and probably he noticed that I really didnt know, he took a look at it and amended here and there..I amended it, printed it out and sent it off for him and my dept head to sign..My division head wudnt be available for one week so I guess he wudnt be signing it..Dont really care anymore coz I’ve done what I was supposed to do..Quickly went to the cafe to buy lunch and ate at my friends place..Didnt wanna go back to my place coz I dont know how I’d react..Just hope after lunch, things were forgotten and everything was back to usual..Hopefully..

Such a long time since i’ve written in this blog..A lot of things had happened since then..Few of them include:-

Friday (5/5/06)

My good friends mother, Fizah passed away..May Allah bless her soul..Al-Fatihah..Didnt have the chance to visit her that day coz I made plans earlier and to cancel a RM50 ticket would be such a waste..So, went to visit her the next day with two of my other friends..She was doing fine..I know she’s hurting inside but she seems to handle herself well..Of course being the eldest and all, she can’t let her other siblings witness her break down in tears everytime people come and visit..She told us the story of how her mother was actually recovering after the operations but suddenly they were informed by doctors that her mother had some complications and could not be saved..It all happened so fast, without warning..Luckily my friend was beside her mother while she took her last breath..Sometimes, when this happens, it makes us realize how little we cherish things..We tend to pursue our dreams, leaving things that are much more important behind and out of a sudden, it’s gone and there’s nothing we can do about it..Lesson learnt, cherish our loved ones coz u never know when He calls..

Also, went to watch Lantai T Pinkie with my friend, my cousin and her friends..In all, I would rate the play average..Such a waste of money..I thot it was gonna be good but it kinda disappointed me..The storyline was basically crunched in the 2nd half of the play and to tell u the truth, Nasha didnt actually performed her best..I thot, Azizah Mahzan was way better..She really went all out..We shud see ‘her’ be Pinkie, hehe..

Sunday (07/05/06)

My dearest sister came back from London, for good..Really missed her..The first sight of her, wow, was she pretty..She looked really great..Fair and all..So jealous..She gets to stay in London, away from the hot sun of Malaysia..hehe..But then again, she is my sister, so we have the same genes, heheh..Get my point, hehe..Only that, yeah, she is way more prettier..She bought d whole family gifts and chocs but we didnt expect too much from her since she was only studying there..Not working for that extra pounds, hehe..Now that she’s back, we’re gonna have a lot of girls nite out and vacationing..Can’t wait!!Kan Hana!!!

The past three days, training again..To continue the course I attended previously..The course was so boring..Cudnt actually get anything in my head..Business development course, dlm erti kata lain, sales course..With the assignments we have to prepare and submit to him by the 18..Tension nya..We have other things to do lah..Dgn new loans nya nak siap..Reviewsnya..Tension tahap max nie..Dahlah ade cuti, ppl wanna have rest too..Luckily I didnt have any vacations planned, or else I wont be enjoying them..But like my friend said, since we’re not going to see the guy anymore, what the heck, just do what we can lah..heheh..So not motivated..hehe..Sorry guys, with a whole load of work to finish, cant show much excitement to it..

Hmm, now another sad part..

Today (11/05) is my special someones birthday..He’s celebrating his b’day all alone in the middle of no where..(ye lah, no where means not around friends and family)..So sad…Called him yesterday nite..It was actually 12am in M’sia but not where he was..Few friends already sms him..I was the third one..Takpelah, at least I was the first one to call..Cant do much of a cheering..Just wished him that he’d have a great b’day celebration..Also, didn’t forget to mention that may he be blessed with wealth and good health..Really miss him so much and the times we use to celebrate his b’day together, just the two of us..For that special someone, I’m sure u’d be reading this, take good care of urself and again Happy Birthday sweet 27..Cheers..

Had a wonderful time yesterday nite with my special someone..After a long discussion with my colleagues on a marketing presentation we have to do this following Monday, which ended at around 8 something, went and had dinner cum supper at BSC..

He brought along a new gadget he bought recently..Just to test it at the hot spot area..I also know, one of the reasons he brought the thing over was actually to show it off to me, heheh..Asked him why he didnt test it while hanging out with his friends and his reply was ‘poyo jek’, hehe..He admitted that he can only be ‘poyo’ around me which was actually normal in a relationship but at the same time, still flatters me..Kinda childish of him but then again, that’s what I love about him..He can act so ‘poyo’ around me and I find it so adorable..Butterflies in my stomach, hihi..

It’s a known fact that when ur in the lovey dovey syndrom, stinky farts can actually smell like Issey Miyake and whatever bad traits ur love ones have are all tolerable..Even if they pick their nose in front of u, u can accept it (Not that he does it lah, hehe, generally speaking).. As for us, we have our ‘poyo’ moments that only both of us know and can laugh about when it happens..So guys, cherish those ‘poyo’ moments while they still last coz u never know whats gonna happen in the future..He’s going off again tomorrow morning and I’d only see him in another 90 days (Lamanya!!)..Hope he’ll have a safe journey there and I’ll be praying for his good health and safety as I always do..Will be missing his ‘poyo’ acts and obviously him as well..